Heard
I want you to listen. To get it. Maybe to be a little outraged on my behalf.
Try: That's so frustrating.
Wait, then what happened?
What just happened
It probably went something like this:
MeUgh. The landlord still hasn't fixed the heat. It's 58° in here and I'm typing in mittens.
YouOh, you should get a space heater! Also check your local tenant laws, some places require a response within 72 hours. Have you documented everything in writing? You could withhold rent, actually, wait, look into whether that's legal first. Or honestly, have you thought about moving?
Meyeah.
Mei know.
Every one of those suggestions might have been reasonable. That isn't the point.
I didn't bring it up because I was out of ideas. I brought it up because it's
annoying and I wanted someone to say ugh, that's annoying.
Why this keeps happening
You're not a bad person. You probably did this because you care. For a lot of people, fixing things is how they show love. A problem shows up, your brain treats it like a puzzle, and before you've decided anything you're already halfway through a bulleted list.
But here's how it can land on the other end:
- It assumes I haven't thought of it. I've been living with this problem for a while. You've known about it for eleven seconds. The obvious ideas have already occurred to me.
- It skips the part where you listen. Jumping to solutions can feel like you're trying to make the conversation (and my feelings) end faster.
- It turns a moment into homework. Now instead of feeling a little lighter, I've got a to-do list and I have to explain why each item won't work.
- It makes me less likely to tell you things. If every story gets a lecture, I'll stop sharing the stories.
Heard, helped, or hugged?
When someone tells you about something hard, they usually want one of three things. The trick is not to guess.
Helped
I actually want ideas, a second opinion, or a hand. This is where your advice goes, and it'll be very welcome.
Try: Want me to help you think it through?
Hugged
I want comfort. Sympathy, reassurance, a snack, a literal or metaphorical hug.
Try: I'm sorry. That really sucks.
Want to get food?
Notice that only one of the three is advice. If you
guess, your odds are about one in three.
If you ask, they're much better.
So what should you do instead?
Do
- Reflect it back.
Oof, that sounds exhausting.
- Ask a question about them, not the problem.
How are you holding up?
- Validate.
Yeah, I'd be annoyed too.
- When you're unsure, just ask:
Do you want ideas, or do you just need to vent?
- Get comfortable with not fixing it. You're allowed to just be there.
Don't
- Open with
Have you tried…
- Open with
Well, what you should do is…
- Play devil's advocate for the landlord / boss / airline.
- Turn it into a story about the time it happened to you, which you solved.
- Keep pitching after the first
yeah, I know.
“But what if my advice is really good?”
It might be! Here's a simple rule: ask before you advise. Something like
I have a thought about that, do you want it?
takes four seconds. If the answer is
yes, go for it. If it's no, you've lost nothing. You can keep the idea in your pocket for
later, when it might actually be wanted.
A few honest exceptions: if someone's in real danger, about to make a genuinely
irreversible mistake, or has explicitly asked what should I do?
, then sure, speak
up. The landlord and the mittens are not that.
If someone sent you this link
No hard feelings. Really. It doesn't mean they don't value you or your brain. It means they'd like a little more of your ear and a little less of your toolbox, at least right now.
Next time, try asking: Do you want me to listen, help, or just be on your side?
You'll be surprised how often the answer is “listen.”
If you're about to send this link
Fair. But in the spirit of fairness: people can't read minds. It helps to say up front
what you're after. I don't need advice, I just need to complain for a minute
is a
perfectly good sentence.
And maybe send it with a smile. They were trying to help.